FLASH FICTION

WORM

by

Brett Abrahamsen

In his hand he held a new copy of the interplanetary IQ guide, titled Average IQ Scores For Every Planet and Star In the Universe, Totally Revised and Updated. He opened the guide and read the following:

“This guide contains the average IQ score for the sentient races of every planet and star in the universe. Here are some scores the reader might be curious about:

– Average IQ score of a Martian rust elephant, 119.

– Average IQ score of an Alpha Centauri tapeworm, 83.

– Average IQ score of an Earthling human, .00000000000000001.

“That can’t be right”, he said aloud to the Earthling that was sitting next to him. “Surely our scores our higher than that”.

“No, it’s right”, the other Earthling said. “The invisible Martian rust elephants flew by one time and looked at all of our most impressive achievements, the Sistine Chapel, the Mona Lisa, the Taj Mahal, pyramids, Citizen Kane, and they just laughed and laughed. The highest Earthling IQ score ever recorded was Albert Einstein. He scored a .000009”.

“That’s severe mental retardation”.

“Correct. Being a human is severe mental retardation. Our genes are messed up. Probably some retarded creatures from another planet had sex – they were too undesirable to have sex with the normal creatures of whatever their species was – their kids were severely mentally challenged, they had sex, etc. And a new race was formed. That race is humans”.

“Einstein didn’t even get a score of 1, for discovering the theory of relativity?”

“Any Alpha Centauri tapeworm, except maybe the really dumb ones, can work out the math to come up with relativity in less than a second. And Einstein couldn’t reconcile relativity with quantum mechanics. If an Alpha Centuari tapeworm was put in solitary confinement on the day of its birth, not allowed to have contact with anyone, and was projected a message to reconcile relativity with quantum mechanics, it would come up with the answer in less than a second and a half”.

A hyperintelligent rock had been listening to their conversation. The rock wanted to help them become more smart, but because it was a rock, it had no way of communicating. The IQ of the rock was 154 – much smarter than any Alpha Centauri tapeworm.

“I’m tired of being dumb of all the time”, said one earthling to the other in rage. “At least I have dominion over my surroundings. All of these inanimate objects, with no consciousness at all.”

He picked up a rock and hurled it as fast as he could at a tree.